The mystery or misery?

We were the best buddies, we were classmates, partners in crime,shareholders in misery and most importantly we took important decisions like the ones to bunk classes, pass comments about a random person and still keep it a secret.

Well this was true for the better part of the last two years, until she decided that it was time to part ways. Why? I still have no clue. To this day I remain clueless I kept making forced attempts to get back and try the old trick of saying a sorry and trying to patch up. It has not worked.

The everyday conversations in person shortened, they became SMSes, and then they stopped completely. Today morning I forced myself to send her a long and detailed SMS, I thought that was the only mode of communication left. Prompt came the reply- "Busy today. How about 2mrw?"

I replied in positive.

After a tiring day at the library, I dragged myself to the shopping complex, firmly tucked in my ears were headsets;my hands clasping a paper bag that was about to give up, I glanced around looking for a familiar face.

I see my dear friend at a distance,I attempt a wave of my hand and also trying to balance the things at hand. She took two steps forward, not towards me but towards her vehicle parked beside her. She left. And I was left alone.

I wait to see if the meeting that she promised happens tomorrow or not. But the show must go on, I should not be bothered by people who refuse to see or hear others.

When words fail.

There is hardly any time other than when you are feeling really hurt or really excited that you cannot express yourself in words.

For a person who lives by their gift of words, it must be a daunting task to speak and harder to converse. The relation between the reason and the ability of expressing it in words are inversely related. In my personal experience, I have hardly managed to land myself in these situations. Courtesy my not so happening "life". But trying look back, I do see a phase in life where I refused to speak and refused to be spoken to.

The event was hardly a matter of concern, but this time the only difference was that I could not help myself. And I think there is nothing as bad as feeling of being in the dumps and not trying to seek help as well.

But the golden rule as always applies- This too shall pass.
And thankfully it did.

For people who stood by me, I hope they did not know. For people who knew me well, I made sure they did not know...

The experiment has paid off, and to an extent helped me as a person to realize that giving advice is easy and taking one close to impossible.

My laziness had ensured that I would not post on this blog for the past 6 months.

The year ended and a new one started with me trying to grapple with things at hand and the things that would be coming my way this year.

All these make me more worried, and to start a new year on a sick note was not the greatest thing to happen.

But I shall post very soon and that is a promise I intend to keep.

I like to fight it out.

The past few days have been hectic, the chaos of admission procedures, long queues,unending formalities and not to forget the panicky and at times hysterical friends. All this kept me busy the past few days, while i was also actively trying to brush off many unhappy events.

It all started with my plans to go in for a late registration going for a toss, the resultant change in travel plans and hurried goodbyes to friends and relatives. At the airport I fought back tears to say bye to my folks and also tried to reassure myself that I wasnt travelling very far. I tugged my luggage and said bye to my mom and dad who kept looking at me from a distance separated by the huge glass doors. I love travelling, but prefer to have friends or someone i know to enjoy the ride. But now, i was travelling alone.

Travel by the air was considered safe if you are travelling alone, so there i was, travelling by air. The ride to my destination took an eternity, delayed, disturbed and painful journey it was.

An unwelcome co-passenger made my journey a not so safe and pleasant episode to remember. Mid air I was being disturbed,pushed and shoved at. I refused to remain a mute spectator, I pushed him away, and at a later stage gave him one tight punch on his nose. Good riddance.

I refused to "ignore" and put on the "please adjust" attitude. I made displeasure known to the crew, sought their help and also helped myself rather than take it silently.

I thank my brother for telling me long ago that, no man likes to be insulted and that you must react quickly. And that I, being his sister should not take these things mutely. I thank my parents for letting me learn martial arts, they came in handy.

I wish to thank my friend and journo Chandu, who has lent both his ears to even smallest of my complaints for past 10 years (without competition), he wrote this same account on his blog too. Thanks buddy for being there. And you shall have the privilege of getting to hear more of my complaints.

This time I make no promises...

Every time I write on this blog I promise myself and to the followers of this blog that I shall write regularly, But rarely do I keep up the promise, So this time around I give no promises and no hopes to anybody.

Since I wrote the last post,things have changed. I have become a proud owner of a postgraduate degree, hard earned. Went through the process of applying every goddamn place for further studies and sitting through numerous Entrance exams and next round of Interviews and also the process of attending these interviews in different parts of the country with a whole entourage of my parents and at times my distant relatives. After all this pain I finally settled down in Delhi. Back to the place which I had left in hurry a couple of years ago.

All this while it never occurred to me that I had quietly missed delhi for some reasons though I hate it for some very personal reasons too. Apart from that there is nothing in Delhi that has changed, the roads are getting wider, there are more cars and less civic sense and less of road sense too.

My friends in Delhi have changed a wee bit, a dear friend got married, she is happy settling in and I wish her all the happiness in the world. One friend is still as naughty as she was almost 5 years ago.

Though the area of study and the place of study are poles apart from the last time I was in Delhi. Now it is a very different situation lots of activity on the academic front, intellectual activity and a very politically charged campus.

I am liking it and have started to adapt to it, good signs I guess.

On the other front, I have lost some close friends, well I would blame no one else but myself for not keeping in touch with them, and I would not blame them for what has changed and it has changed forever. I believe in the principle that a broken mirror is impossible to join though it still acts as a mirror in a number of pieces. I was never in the place that they were in a group, so i always was out of bounds. I attended a meet up after passing out from school after 7 long years ,that explains quite a lot.

Its been a rocking year, lots of happenings good and bad but then its my life i would not like to subtract anything from this. I would thank all those who stood by in spirit and in person. Thank you people I owe all this to you!


Ohhh I forgot I wish my dearest buddy a speedy recovery. And I hope he has a great time at home though he would not be enjoying it this time. Get well soon buddy!

So why do I look the way I do...

A season of questions, this looks like the second question that needs to be addressed.

So why do I look like the way I do? Well, my genes, my denim jeans too. My conscious effort to avoid attention and photography has made me realize that I am not too photogenic. So that means I make every possible effort to be behind the camera, standing behind a group of people and the co incidence that I always happen to be wearing denims and my shoes. Last week I turned out in my favorite denims and a kurta and my beloved "Puma" and lo behold we have a photo session. Poor me, I stood there making a tough face.


The last time I posed for a photo was during the wedding of my cousin brother, which fortunately turned out to be one in which I look backwards to my mother to whom I was talking.

I have always hated myself in photos. I always look like a zombie, a frightful one at that; one in which I either stare or I am exercising my motor mouth.

So whats changing ?

An animated conversation with one of friends last day ended with a line saying "Times are changing".

Yeah times sure, they are changing, the methods, the means, the people and the equations are changing.

People value their possessions more their relations. Relatives are in a mad rush to outstrip each other in attaining possessions. Guests look around your house valuing each item in your house. People are more concerned about being in touch with their 'environment' by subscription to clubs and institutions.

Cousins are competing to gain that elusive "well employed and well settled" status. Parents compare their wards with those of others keeping the number of degrees as the instrument for comparison.

Falling in love is no different. Now it matters to be educated, employable, good looking, owning a fat purse and having a portfolio that is worth a fortune. Love used to be blind.

So I need to know what does' not change?

I personally can attest to the fact that somethings that I have followed for last several years have not changed and I do not wish to change them.