Yesterday...

I have hated this habit of mine. I tried to stop it, mop it and move on. But that feeling of hurt keeps coming up again and again.

Once upon a time not long ago I was sentimental and teary eyed when faced with tough situations, when subjected to some sort of ridicule or even when test paper marks were announced. But that habit faded by the time I was in high school, but it has crept up once in a while, but people who know me would still say that I was a bit too silly to be crying at most stupidest of reasons.

But graduation changed it all, it faded further, till I stopped feeling guilty and sobbing at simplest of reasons.

But last day was different, I went in to a file stacked office, behind dusty files and tables was a lady in an gaudy Kajeevaram Saree, who looked bored, and a little too made up at that time of the day. She nodded a straight "NO" to my request. She looked around gestured to some body on the other end of the corridor to come over. As the Section clerk came over, She demanded that the file that had taken me a whole of 6 months to prepare, be dumped, in a corner meant for Blocked cases.

Never have I felt so let down, and humiliated. With one gesture she had admonished a whole lot of hope, emotions and the energy seemed to seep out. I tried hard but the tears had already rolled down, I made frantic efforts to mop it up and wanted to walk off, but I dont know why I kept standing there, looking at the Section officer lady with a blurred vision, she was laughing. She turned to the other side on her revolving chair, facing away from me.

Not knowing what to say, I said "please". She turned around and kept looking at me from above her specs which were placed lower on her nose. That stare said it all.

I submitted the papers and trotted off to the long corridor which was dark.

While it rained outside, I stood by the corridor, waiting to go home. While on the bus back home I kept thinking of the the reason she had given me for refusing my demands.

I keep my fingers crossed, may her seniors who open the papers, be kind hearted souls who acknowledge and nurture humane instincts.

Playlist - Currently listening to Subcity by Tracy Chapman.

Ever wondered how you could have avoided doing something? Not given in to temptation? Not ventured to do the wrong thing?

While sitting with my cousin sister and her little kid, memories of a similar visit were rekindled. She had dragged me along for a session of beauty treatments, because she was to officiate as the sister in law for a marriage in the family.

I was a quite surprised to find a good number of teenagers waiting for their turn. Back in our times, you weren't supposed to sport trendy hairstyles and nail enamels on your fingers, fearing that squeeze on the nail from the prefect or to be very embarrassingly pulled up on the stage and be announced as one with very less regard for school rules.

Are schools very lenient these days or they just don't care anymore. For the 2 hours that I was at the salon, I saw a steady stream of teenagers running up to the main lady and asking for some treatment which was supposed to be some technique to look good.

The only time time I went and asked for something, was when, I wanted to cut my long hair, I was finding it difficult to manage without my mom and also as a precautionary measure lest I look like a zombie after my arduous journey on the U spl.

So off I went to the hair dresser and asked her to cut it short but of manageable length. The next thing she did was to put a bib kind of thing around my neck and spray some water and khachak khachakk... But all the while she was doing this, she kept me engaged in a conversation, and was pulling at my hair.

After while she said khatam beta, ho gaya...., relieved I shook my hair to get rid of of the cut hair if any that remained clinging to my uncut mane. And slowly I have a feeling that something was wrong, yes it was, she had cut my hair really short and there it was rubbing against my ears.

I felt like i was looking at someone else because, I couldn't do such a thing if I were back home. My grand mom would have blasted me for such an act. My cousins... they all had such great thick manes. In a flash, faces of all those people who would disapprove of such an ghastly act came rushing into my mind. I turned to look at the floor and there it lay in a nice bundle,she had cut off more than what i had asked her for.

I had told the hair dresser of the exact length that I need her to chop off. I gave her a rude look gave her the money, and came back home sobbing. My bro was so shocked that he called up home and told my mom that i was looking weird and got a hair cut which was a little too short.

I decided not to do such a thing ever again, unless it is extremely necessary. So this time as my cousin sister sat with the Mallu hair dresser, she asked if I wanted to cut or colour my hair, I said "no" even before she could finish the question. Once bitten twice shy.

I still vividly remember the look on my grandmothers face when she saw me at the station, disapprovingly she said don't even dream of such a thing in the future. I had to promise her that I wont cut it too short.

So what is it with these kids? Manicure, pedicure, something being rubbed on to their faces and being steamed and then being shown under a light. How do you turn up at school? Like mini starlets?

Iam dazed.

Tube celebs.

Reading NC's post about DD made me think about the difference the TV that we have today and the TV during the early 90's.

I can appreciate a good rendition of a song, enjoy it, and some of those songs make it to my Mp3 player, and some into my mental loop.

So with so many good songs around and so many singers and to be singers around Iam a little dazed. My distant relatives, people you have known or been introduced to during a family function or still some friend of some relative of some close friend turn up on the telly.
So now we have have a whole new set of people who would introduce themselves as relatives of the tube celebrity.

Mallu TV channels are having a gala time, its reality show time. You jump channels to see some new hopeful crooning some song. Some youngsters with hopes, some vague person to dish out some comment, a handful of studio audience, cakes of make up, glittery costumes and some camera antics and ahoy we have a talent hunt.

Some presenters are such gems that they can neither speak english nor malayalm properly.Some attempts at speaking english are disastrous. I have had the bad fortune to be listening to one of them on telly waxing eloquent about his tryst with fame and anchoring, "I have confident, to host the show and to entertain everybodys". Some are so hilarious that I have forgotten those valuable lines spouted by the great anchor.

How in the first place did you make the cut and start doing those shows? Either you follow a written format or just speak in the language you are most comfortable in. Rather than giving the viewers a hard time figuring out which one is correct and challenging their mental capabilities and senses.

At the end of the show, you are left out to think which part of your brain was supposed to be entertained by these shows and which part of your brain has been overloaded with visual and audio inputs.

Tagged again by NC.

Well, this time it is the "DID YOU KNOW" tag. Given below are 9 important facts about Attribution as a person.

Rules of the activity
* Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
* People who are tagged need to write posts in their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
* Well I dint cut& paste the rest of the rules. Any body who is not getting married on 7/7/07 or has not voted for Taj to be the New 7 wonders list can take up the tag.
* To make up for violating the strict (ahem!) rules I will add another point about my self to the tag.

So the what are the eight random facts about me/ habits that I have?


1) I make friends very slowly, which means it might take weeks, months, or even years before I talk to someone who shares the same class or even the same bench. I take care to keep in touch with most of them, but sometimes it just never happens.

2) I hate people who refuse to listen to sane advice and those who assume self helplessness, I also hate those who have hurt my loved ones. Sadly avenging revenge is not my usual behaviour.

3) I cannot manage to keep my Mp3 player's headphones in my ear, they keep popping out every other minute. It happens most of the time. Usually when somebody is looking at me as to what Iam doing and pop they go. :(

4) I usually don't forget names, faces, birthdays and other important dates and events. Now that doesn't include Flower day, Rose day or any of those numerous days celebrated now a days. I also make it a point to send mails or a belated wish atleast. ;) (Taking a cue from Nariyal Chutney)

5) I have a habit of keeping/ storing even small bits of paper which includes chits, notes and answer sheets. But I do not look into them often.

6) I have planned more than a dozen times to watch a movie with my friends and family, every time to be aborted at the last moment. Movies aren't a weakness either so thats fine.

7) I love books, not textbooks and recommended texts. But one exception were my texts for graduation were really nice with lots of case studies. My love for books started early because I have always been surrounded by them, Dad had a nice collection of Fiction, non fiction, Encyclopedias, tell me how and whys and other interesting books.

8) Iam an ambivert, who hates parties, ostensible displays of wealth and affection. I hate fake people, people with put on attitudes, behaviors and fake identities totally alien to the real self. I cant stand chatterboxes and lethal PJ's.

9) Introspection is a habit.



Thats it. Show is over.

Posting this post on the most auspicious day of the millennium according to most of the TV news channels and astrologers. I had saved the draft earlier but decided to give it some cosmetic changes and polishing off some sentences.

Posted 7/7/07 at 23:59PM